The Listies totally serious 100% fact filled guide to the Melbourne Museum.


Rich: Hi, we're the Listies. Welcome to our 100% fact-filled, sort of, guide to the Melbourne Museum.

Matt: Yeah, you can listen to us at home or in the museum on your own device.

Rich: But if you're coming to the museum, remember to bring some headphones along so it's easier to hear.

Matt: With your ears.

Rich: Yeah. What else are they going to hear with?

Matt: Good point. Their minds.

Rich: Anyway, if you follow the numbers the tour will take about an hour.

Matt: But also you can listen out of order if you like and make it take as long as you want.

Rich: Are you ready, Matt?

Matt: I am ready.

Rich: Then let's go to the museum.

Matt: Actually, Rich, do we have time for me to go to the toilet?

Rich: Really?

Matt: Yeah. I'm busting.

Rich: Seriously?

Speaker 3: This audio is rated S for stupid and is proudly supported by the city of Melbourne Arts Grant program. It's recommended for ages five to 500 million years, dinosaurs allowed.

Welcome to the Learnadome

Rich: So here we are, Matt, at the Melbourne Museum.

Matt: What exactly is this place?

Rich: Well, I'm glad you asked, Matt. The museum is a municipal venue, which is packed with specimens and artefacts displayed in order to educate, inform and delight.

Matt: Sorry, what?

Rich: It's an institution, which displays items of cultural or scientific significance.

Matt: Yeah. One more time.

Rich: It's a joint with heaps of cool stuff you can look at.

Matt: I get it. It's like the internet but in a building.

Rich: Well, sort of.

Matt: Well, I shall call it the Learnadome.

Rich: Sure.

Matt: Where people come to learn to the death. Two brains enter, one brain leaves.

Rich: No. No, they don't. Look, let's just start at this display. Matthew have a look at this.

Matt: Wow. Cool. Look at all these bones. Looks like a giant chicken carcass. Rich, they shouldn't let dogs in here because dogs would have a field day.

Rich: It's not a chicken, Matt. It's a blue whale.

Matt: Rich, have you gone crazy. It's not blue. It's bone coloured. It a bone coloured whale.

Rich: All right. Smarty pants. It's the skeleton of a blue whale.

Matt: Well, why are we looking at a bunch of bones anyway?

Rich: Matt, the bones are on display so we can see how animals are put together, to see how their skeleton differs from our own. So we can observe evolution, experience the size and heft of another creature, so we can learn.

Matt: Such is the way of the Learnadome.

Rich: Yes. Look lets just move to another object. There are 4,647 items on display here at the Melbourne Museum. Pick any one.

Matt: Well, perhaps I'll pick this one. No label that I can see. It is expertly constructed. A perfect metal tube filled with a cornucopia of interesting items. Fascinating.

Rich: That's a bin.

Matt: Is it a bin from the olden days?

Rich: No. Pick something else.

Matt: Look at this. Ye olde vending machine.

Rich: What?

Matt: Rich, it's a staircase of the future.

Rich: That's the escalator.

Matt: A magical conveyance that will take us to brand new heights of learning. Let us ascend to the heavens. Come, Richard, let us explore the Learnadome.

Rich: This is going to be a long day.

Matt: Let's go.

Deans Dino Warehouse

Rich: Here we are in the dinosaur display, Matt.

Matt: Cool.

Rich: Now, I've done all my research. I've stayed up all night learning about dinosaurs in case you had any questions. So hit me.

Matt: All right. Okay. I've got a tricky one for you.

Rich: Okay.

Matt: When did they live?

Rich: Well most of the famous dinosaurs lived in the Jurassic or Cretaceous periods.

Matt: No. But what I was going to ask was-

Rich: What did they eat? Well, it depends on the dinosaur. Stegosaurus' were herbivores, which means they ate plants. Velociraptors were carnivores, which means they ate flesh. Now, omnivores ate both and omni-omnivores, well, they ate just omnivores. Just kidding. That's my dinosaur joke.

Matt: Okay. No. But my real question was going to be-

Rich: What did they look like? Well, evidence suggests that they all were covered in feathers.

Matt: No, Rich. What I'm trying to ask is where can I buy one?

Rich: What you mean fossils? You can buy them for thousands of dollars on eBay.

Matt: No, Rich. Where can I buy a dinosaur to have as a pet?

Rich: A real dinosaur as a pet?

Speaker 3: Come on down to Dean's Dino warehouse! We've got so many dinosaurs, we've got to get rid of them! There's [inaudible 00:04:08] Sauropods, Pterodactyls. They're flying out the door! Come and say, "Hello to an Allosaurus." Come pat a Apatosaur. Our Triceratops are tip-top. Want a T. rex? Come and check out these tyrannosaurus [inaudible 00:04:18] four meters tall, razor sharp teeth, tiny hands, adorable. Other paleontologist warehouses pale in comparison! Our dinosaurs are dynamite! It's our going out of business sale! We've got to clear this lot before the meteor strikes! [inaudible 00:04:35] right across the land bridge from Eurasia.

Speaker 4: Terms and condition apply. Pterodactyls sold separately as they're not technically dinosaurs but in fact flying reptiles.

The Buggies

Rich: Behold, Matt, the insect area.

Matt: I don't like this one, Rich.

Rich: Why not?

Matt: Because it bugs me.

Rich: All right. Smarty pants.

Matt: What are these bugs doing in frames?

Rich: Well, this seems to be a wall of fame for insects. Look, there's the biggest beetle and the heaviest beetle and the smallest moth.

Matt: It's like the Oscars for insects. That's an award night I'd like to go to.

Rich: Sure.

Speaker 4: Segue, segue ...

Tiny Beetle: Welcome to the insect world's night of nights. Every bugs favorite awards evening, The Buggies. My name's Tiny Beetle and I'm here on the red carpet, which as you can expect is teeming with carpet beetles.

Speaker 6: Delicious, so much better than last years.

Tiny Beetle: And everybody looks amazing. But the moths are making a real meal out of people's outfits.

moth: Don't be so mothest. Actually, it's the larvae that eat clothes, not the moths.

Tiny Beetle: Well, my apologies. Here come the spiders. They probably heard about the ceremony on the World Wide Web.

moth: Actually, not all spiders use their silk to make webs. Huntsmans use their silk to secure themselves and construct egg cases.

Tiny Beetle: What are you, the fact-checking beetle?

moth: No. I'm a moth actually.

Tiny Beetle: Well, have you seen the lights up there?

moth: Oh, the eye in the sky. It rules us all.

Tiny Beetle: Now, everyone's favorite spider the huntsman. You look great. What are you wearing?

Huntsman spider: It's my new exoskeleton. I shed my old one last week because I've been bulking up for winter.

Tiny Beetle: Well, you know what they say Huntsman, you do you. You look new.

Huntsman spider: Yeah. Thanks for that.

Tiny Beetle: You might be able to help me. I was supposed to be interviewing a cockroach next. Have you seen it?

Huntsman spider: No. I have no idea what happened to that delicious creature.

Tiny Beetle: Well, clearly you ate it. So we'll move on. Nominated for the most numerous legs of all is the Illacme plenipes millipede.

millipede: Walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking-

Tiny Beetle: No kidding. That's a lot of legs.

millipede: Walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking-

Tiny Beetle: 750 in total.

millipede: Walking, walking, walking, walking, walking-

Tiny Beetle: I'd hate to tie up all those shoelaces.

millipede: Walking, walking, walking, still walking, walking, walking, walking, walking ...

Tiny Beetle: Let's come back to that one. Nominated for the world's loudest bug is the African cicada.


Tiny Beetle: Have a great night.

African cicada: THANKS!

Tiny Beetle: Here's a real celeb folks. Meet the bombardier beetle. An insect, which can mix two chemicals inside it's body to create a nasty, explosive spray. What a defensive strategy.

bombardier beet: Sorry. Are you talking about me?

Tiny Beetle: Well, yes, we were.

bombardier beet: What were you're saying?

Tiny Beetle: Well, only good things I promise.

bombardier beet: Well, they better have been good.

Tiny Beetle: Now, don't get defensive.

bombardier beet: Well, who are you to tell me not to get defensive? Listen I've had enough of you.

Tiny Beetle: Hang on. Don't. No, don't do it!

bombardier beet: And aim ...

Tiny Beetle: Ahhhhh!

Speaker 4: Our program is experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by.

Those animals are stuffed

Rich: And this room is called Wild.

Matt: Why?

Rich: Because I think it has something to do with all the wild animals.

Matt: Is that the name of their band? Wild?

Rich: No, Matt. Look, just look at them all. Look at them in their glory. Wonderments of nature.

Matt: Wow.

Rich: Yes.

Matt: They're so good at standing still. That must take a lot of training. Wait. No, I get it. They're playing statues and if I turn around, they all move.

Rich: Matt, no.

Matt: So they're busking then.

Rich: What? Busking?

Matt: Yeah, you know those people that paint themselves and stand on the street for hours? Remember we tried it once.

Rich: Yes. I do. That silver paint was terrible to get out of my mustache.

Matt: Well, maybe I should throw them two dollars and see if they do something funny. They didn't do anything.

Rich: Matt, it's because they're stuffed.

Matt: Well, how can they be stuffed, Rich? They haven't done anything yet.

Rich: No. I mean they've been taxidermied.

Matt: What's a dermied?

Rich: No. Taxidermied. It's a way of preserving animals. You know someone called a taxidermist comes along and pulls the skin off an animal and wraps it around a model and pops in some glass eyes and Bob's your uncle, you're taxidermied.

Matt: Those poor animals.

Rich: No, you have to look at it in historical perspective. I mean for a long time preserved animals were the only way that people could ever get to know what a platypus or a lion looked like.

Matt: Yeah. But why didn't they just Google them, Rich? They could have looked them up on YouTube and watch them do something funny.

Rich: Well, I want you to have a little think about that Matt. It was in the past so-

Matt: The internet was slower and there weren't able to watch the videos.

Rich: No. There was no internet back then.

Matt: Wow.

Rich: Yeah. I'm talking hundreds of years ago.

Matt: First you tell me that people used to fling their poo into the street and now you're telling me in the past there was no internet? The olden days sound like a nightmare.

Rich: Well, it did have its challenges.

Matt: Well, I am going to believe that these animals are not stuffed. That they're actually playing statues and they're very good at it.

Rich: Okay, Matt. You do that. I'm going to go and look at the evolution display.

Matt: Okay. Animals, anyone who moves is out. Here we go. I'm turning around. Looking. You're the best I've ever seen. One more time. You moved.

leopard: No, I didn't.

Matt: Yes, you did. You cheater.

leopard: I'm not a cheetah. I'm a leopard.

Matt: What's the difference between a cheetah and a leopard?

leopard: Well, play us some cards and you'll find out.

Matt: That's terrible. You're out.

leopard: What?

Matt: Mainly for the joke.

leopard: Oh.

Marine Room shark dentist

Matt: Hey, Rich. Come and look at these shark teeth.

Rich: Wow, imagine that trip to the dentist.

Matt: Yeah. Imagine.

Rich: What's happening?

Matt: We're going into the sketch.

Rich: Yeah. Good one.

Brian: Excuse me, doctor. You're 2:30 appointment is here.

dentist: 2:30? That's when all my appointments should be, 2:30. Am I right, Brian?

Brian: Yes, doctor. You said that joke yesterday.

dentist: All right, Brian. Send them in. Now, come in. Just swim up to the chair. Pop your fin in through there. Now, open up, say, "Ah," and relax.

white shark: Ah.

dentist: Good. Gosh, look at those teeth. Absolutely terrifying. I've got my work cut out for me here. What type of shark did you say you were again?

white shark: I ... I ...

dentist: I'm sorry.

white shark: I ... I ...

dentist: My apologies. I'll just get my head out of your mouth.

white shark: All right. Thanks. I'm a white shark.

dentist: A white shark. Great. Well, don't worry. You're in good hands. I know the drill. Don't worry. You can relax though. I won dentist of the year. See. They gave me a little plaque. Plaque. Just some dentist jokes.

white shark: So my teeth?

dentist: Yeah, yeah. Sure. I'm getting to those. Wow, there are a lot of them. They're razor sharp. Ow! And serrated as well. They're like tiny bread knives.

white shark: Yes. I have no trouble biting through most things, even turtle shell.

dentist: Well, we're going to need a bigger boat. From the movie Jaws? A little joke? Nevermind. Okay. Well, now, have you had any problems with any of your teeth recently?

white shark: There was that time last week when I ate a cephalopod and lost a tooth.

dentist: Lost a tooth?

white shark: Yes. And last Tuesday I ate a sting ray and lost one then. Then a seal, lost a couple then. And then I went to a mollusk's party. I took a bunch of them and lost a bunch more teeth.

dentist: Well, that's going to be a lot of work to do.

white shark: No.

dentist: Well, why?

white shark: Because I've got back up teeth, 3,000 of them.

dentist: Back up teeth?

white shark: I've got five rows of teeth and as soon as I lose any, I get replacement ones come forward.

dentist: Replacements?

white shark: I'll have 20,000 teeth over my lifetime.

dentist: Well, it sounds like you don't have much use for a dentist at all.

white shark: Well, I can think of one use.

dentist: Anything I can do to help. I am your humble servant.

white shark: Just pop this chipotle on your head.

dentist: No problem.

white shark: Sprinkle some salt.

dentist: Okay.

white shark: Add a little pepper.

dentist: All right.

white shark: Put this basil behind your ear and put this onion in your [inaudible 00:12:33]. Yum!

dentist: No!

white shark: Delicious. Brian?

Brian: Yes?

white shark: Cancel his 3 o'clock.

Hearts of Stone with Dr Sandy Stone

Matt: Wow, Rich. Look it's the rock room. Let's rock. Rock and roll. Rock, rock, rock. Yeah.

Rich: No, Matt. They're not that type of rocks. This is Dynamic Earth. It's the area of the museum for the study of minerals.

Matt: Rock, rocks.

Rich: Yes. Rocks, rocks.

Matt: Oh.

Rich: Yes.

Matt: Do you have any paper?

Rich: Why are you going to try and learn something? Are you going to try and write something down?

Matt: No. It's just in case any of the rocks want to attack us and paper always beats rock.

Rich: Come on. You egg sandwich.

Matt: Wow, there are a lot of rocks here.

Rich: Yes.

Matt: I'm a little dry. Do you think they have any mineral water?

Rich: Matt, that's about as funny as that parking ticket we got on Friday.

Matt: Well, what does the Learnadome have to teach us here, Richard?

Rich: Well, it says here that there are three types of rock, igneous, sedimentary, and metamorphic.

Matt: Okay. Ignorant, complimentary and what-a-morphic?

Rich: Metamorphic. A metamorphic rock is-

Matt: Well, I'm just going to stop you right there because I feel like you're about to tell me a whole bunch of facts. But Rich, I would much rather hear from the rocks themselves.

Rich: What?

Matt: I just feel like I would learn so much better from a TV interview format kind of show.

Rich: A television interview with a rock?

Matt: Yeah. And one that had an introduction that went a little bit like this.

Dr. Sandy Stone: Hi and welcome to Touching Hearts of Stone. I'm Dr. Sandy Stone. Our guest today has experienced a lot of change in their long life. It's marble, who you all know is a fine example of metamorphic rock. Welcome marble.

marble: Thank you very much. I am very happy to be here.

Dr. Sandy Stone: Now, I wonder if you could tell the folks at home what happened to you, just a few million years ago.

marble: Yeah. Well, it seems like only yesterday I was put under a lot of pressure and it changed me.

Dr. Sandy Stone: Tell us about that.

marble: Well, as you know, I am marble now but ... I mean I used to be limestone.

Dr. Sandy Stone: Well, what do you know?

marble: I'm just your normal every day, average bit of limestone. Just a bunch of calcium carbonate lying under the ground. And the plates of the Earth started shifting around and then there was just this build up of pressure over millennium.

Dr. Sandy Stone: It's okay. Just take your time.

marble: It was so intense. It changed me. I'm sorry. I know that I'm marble now but I still feel like limestone.

Dr. Sandy Stone: Well, you know marble, that's not that uncommon.

marble: Really?

Dr. Sandy Stone: Really. In a rock's life pressure can come from so many places, work, life, tectonic plate movement, magma.

marble: I mean I suppose.

Dr. Sandy Stone: Even though limestone and marble look different, they're still made up of the same elements.

marble: Right.

Dr. Sandy Stone: And even though the minerals inside you are changed, you are still you. And you got to embrace that.

marble: Thanks for saying that buddy.

Dr. Sandy Stone: You're marble now. You can do anything.

marble: I mean I do polish up okay.

Dr. Sandy Stone: You could be a marble column. You could be a staircase. You could be a statue.

marble: Or a bench top.

Dr. Sandy Stone: Yes. Marble, you. You could be a bench top.

marble: I could be a beautiful bench top.

Dr. Sandy Stone: That's all we got time for. Thanks for tuning into Hearts of Stone. I'm Dr. Sandy Stone. Remember rocks at home, you can be used to build a wall but you can also be used to build a path that can take you anywhere.

Speaker 4: Next week, Dr. Sandy Stone will be talking to an igneous rock about interior design in a new segment that we call From Lava to Lava Lamp with Graham Granite.

Rich: Well, what do you think of that, Matt?

Matt: Rich, it was just a lot of learning.

Rich: Yes. It was very informative.

Matt: Maybe I could be a bench top one day. Do you think? Do you think I could be a bench top, Rich?

Rich: Sure.

Matt: I'd be a beautiful bench top.

Matt: Oh, Rich. Look more bones.


Rich: Yeah. This is one of my favorite displayed here in the Learned ... The Melbourne Museum. I give you the Diprotodon.

Matt: You're giving me a Diprotodon. It's so cute. I'm going to call it Bony.

Rich: I should clarify. I'm not giving you anything. It's just something people say.

Matt: Like it's the thought that counts.

Rich: Sure. Anyway, the Diprotodon. This was a giant koala that roamed Australia 40,000 years ago.

Matt: Wow, it looks more like a giant wombat.

Rich: Well, that's true. But it's a closer relative to the koala.

Matt: Some of my relatives look like that guy.

Rich: I'd believe it. Anyway, Diprotodon was one of the biggest marsupials ever. Welcome to the world of Australia's megafauna. We're talking giant wombats-

Matt: [inaudible 00:17:14].

Rich: Giant kangaroos.

Matt: Yes.

Rich: Giant lizards.

Matt: Yes. Like Godzilla.

Rich: Exactly. But the difference is Godzilla is made up and the Diprotodon was real.

Matt: Hang on, Rich. Hang on. I'm having a thought.

Rich: I wondered what that noise was.

Matt: Okay. So when did the first humans come to Australia?

Rich: Good question, Matt.

Matt: Well, Rich, the Learnadome has changed me in many ways.

Rich: Well, scientists used to say 40,000 years ago but now they've found evidence to say it was more like 65,000 years ago and maybe even earlier than that.

Matt: Okay. So the thought I'm having is this, does that mean that Australia's first people lived alongside these big creatures?

Rich: Matthew, this is a Learnadome miracle. Yes.

Matt: Wow. Are you sure you haven't gone mad like did you whack your head on a fossilized butt bone or something?

Rich: No, I didn't whack my head on a fossilized butt bone.

Matt: So humans lived alongside Megatron.

Rich: Megafauna. Yeah.

Matt: Are you sure you're not getting confused with Middle Earth?

Rich: Again, Matt, Middle Earth is made up. This is real.

Matt: No. Prove it.

Rich: We need to pop into the Bunjilaka Aboriginal Cultural Centre.

Matt: Let's pop in.

Rich: Well, I can't believe that works.

Matt: I know. It's cool.

Rich: Okay, Matt. Here's the proof right here. This is a Diprotodon front tooth.

Matt: I thought it was a [inaudible 00:18:32].

Rich: See those little cuts?

Matt: Yeah.

Rich: Scientists say that were made when the tooth was fresh 36,000 years before even the pyramids were built.

Matt: What?

Rich: Yes. By humans.

Matt: So what do the carvings mean?

Rich: I don't know.

Matt: Is it some sort of shopping list?

Rich: I'm not sure.

Matt: All right. Like a calendar?

Rich: Don't know.

Matt: A score card for canasta?

Rich: I really can't say.

Matt: An email.

Rich: No, idea.

Matt: [inaudible 00:18:53] tips, a newspaper? Is it the world's first tweet?

Rich: Matthew, I do not know.

Matt: You don't know?

Rich: I don't know.

Matt: Well, Rich, how the mighty have fallen. You've guided my learninating well thus far, but I'm not going to retire you as my tour guide and find somebody else here who knows.

Rich: Well, good luck, because you won't find anyone here who knows the answer.

Matt: Are you saying that no one in the Learnadome knows what this means? Okay. Shut it down. Shut it down. The Learnadome's busted.

Rich: It's not busted, Matt. No one can tell you. There's a limit to our knowledge Matt. 40,000 years, information gets lost in the sands of time and it's not always rediscovered. Perhaps we will never know for sure.

Matt: Can't they just Google it?

Rich: Not even Google knows.

Matt: Okay. Get me a chair because I think I need to sit down.

Rich: Yeah. There's multiple narratives around that origin of this object, scientific, historic, cultural. It's a profound thought, I know.

Matt: I am having a profound thought right now.

Rich: What is it?

Matt: Let's have lunch.

Dinner Outdoors

Matt: Rich, can I have some money for the vending machine?

Rich: What happened to that $20 I just gave you?

Matt: I spent it all in the gift shop on this air horn.

Rich: But Matt, that was our lunch money. I'm so hungry I could eat a Diprotodon.

Matt: I'm not sure if they have Diprotodon. But I think they might have a teriyaki-don.

Rich: I can't believe you spent our lunch money on a ... air horn.

Matt: Wait. Don't worry Rich. I got a plan B. We'll go and stand in the garden, pretend to be seagulls and then wait for people to chuck chips at us. Aw-aw ... chippies ... chippy, aw ... chip me.

Rich: The garden. Matt, I never thought I'd say this but you're a genius.

Matt: I am?

Rich: Yes. Give me that.

Matt: Oh.

Rich: Follow me. I know where there's a vending machine where everything is free.

Matt: Free. That's my favorite price. You've done it again Learnadome.

Matt: So where's the free food vending machine?

Rich: It's here. All around us.

Matt: I'm not following.

Rich: Well, you know how the museum and all of Melbourne are on the lands of the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin nation.

Matt: Yes.

Rich: Well, this is the Milarri garden, which means outdoors in the Woiwurrung and Boon Wurrung languages.

Matt: So?

Rich: So, it's filled with plants significant to the Aboriginal people of Victoria.

Matt: And the food bit?

Rich: Matt, this garden is full of native Australian ingredients.

Matt: It's like the whole world is our vending machine.

Rich: Wait, where did you get the other one?

Matt: It was two for the price of one.

Rich: Give me that one as well.

Matt: So what's on the menu chef?

Rich: Well, first stop find the red-fruited saw-sedge. We can grind up it's seeds to make a bread.

Matt: Saw-sedge sourdough, delish.

Rich: Next, we'll swing by the She-oak to grab some needles and begin a salad.

Matt: Why was the She-oak needle embarrassed?

Rich: What?

Matt: Because it saw the salad dressing.

Rich: What are you doing?

Matt: I think the [inaudible 00:21:49] has gone to my brain.

Rich: Come on. The pith from the soft tree fern is also edible.

Matt: Yeah, man.

Rich: So is the Bulbine lily.

Matt: Bring it on.

Rich: And we'll season it all perfectly with some saltbush and some Mountain Pepper.

Matt: My mouth is watering.

security: Excuse me. I'm museum security. You're not planning to harvest any ingredients from our display garden, are you?

Rich: Nope, nope. Definitely not. No, no. No way, absolutely. Are we, Matt?

Matt: No, we're not. Definitely not.

security: As you were.

Rich: Now, where was I?

Matt: I believe we were talking dessert.

Rich: Okay. Dessert takes us to the Lilly Pilly tree.

Matt: Yes.

security: Excuse me. It's museum security again. It sounds like you are planning to eat our displays.

Rich: No, definitely not. No.

Matt: No, No.

Rich: No way. We had lunch. It's delicious. Yeah, it's fine. We're getting tacos.

security: Fine.

Matt: Keep going, Rich. Keep going. And what about drinks?

Rich: Okay. Drinks. For libation, we can get these Ironbark flowers and then soak them in water.

security: Peep! Museum security here.

Matt: What is ...

security: Peep! Peep!

Matt: Wait what?

security: Peep!

Matt: Stop saying peep.

security: I have to I lost my whistle in the eel pond. Anyway, this is a museum not a supermarket.

Rich: But, look, we're hungry and we spent all of our lunch money on-

Matt: Air horns.

security: What?

Matt: Would you like to buy an air horn as a replacement for your whistle?

security: I don't know. How much are they?

Matt: 20 cents?

Rich: Dollars. $20 for both.

security: Okay. That does sound like a good deal. I'll take it. Now, hop it you two. Get out of the garden.

Speaker 4: Meanwhile in the eel pond ...

eel: What is it Silvia?

Silvia eel: It is a whistle.

eel: A whistle.

Silvia eel: A whistle.

eel: How do you know it is a whistle?

Silvia eel: It says on the side. I read it with my eely eyes.

eel: Well, if it's a whistle then you should give it a blow.

Silvia eel: I shall blow into it.

eel: Create sound with your eely mouth. Wow. The sound is so beautiful and pure. Play it against so that we might all-

security: Eel, give me my whistle back. Seriously, these eels. It's [inaudible 00:23:54]. It's got all eel lipstick on it.

Better homes and bowers

Matt: Well, this is outdoorsy Rich. It's so nature in here.

Rich: Yeah. It's the Forest Gallery. I think there's a waterfall here somewhere.

Matt: It's so nice. Rich, maybe we'll see a unicorn.

Rich: Well, I don't think there's a unicorn. But there is a frog here somewhere.

Matt: Hang on. What's all this trash?

Rich: Trash?

Matt: Yeah. Lying on the ground here. Lift your game Learnadome. Honestly.

Rich: I've heard of this. This is Errol the bowerbird's bower.

Matt: Well, what's that one that's pooping on my head?

Rich: Well, bowerbirds they make these nests called bowers and then they cover them with brightly colored things in order to attract a ... a mate.

Matt: So he's making his place look cool for his mates.

Rich: Not quite. Not his mates. His mate.

Matt: I get it. Oh, lovers.

Rich: Okay. A bit of maturity please. Okay. Thank you.

Matt: So it's like he's interior decorating.

Rich: Exactly right. He's interior decorating.

Matt: Cool.

Speaker 21: Good day. Welcome to Better Homes and Bowers. Today we are going to bow down to some top shelf bowers and give you the tips to getting your bower looking absolutely bowtiful.

Speaker 21: Here we have Errol. We're going to transform his bower into a real wower.

Errol: Blue things.

Speaker 21: That's right, Errol. Now, let's describe your bower. In the middle, we got a very Earthy sort of woven sculpture situation and strewn around that are a number of-

Errol: Blue things.

Speaker 21: That's right blue plastic things. Look at them all. There's bottle tops and plastic spoons and there they all are.

Errol: Blue things.

Speaker 21: Yes. They are very blue and they add a delightful pop of color. This is a wonderful start Errol but have you ever thought of a color that isn't blue?

Errol: Yes.

Speaker 21: Great. Which one?

Errol: Pink.

Speaker 21: Really?

Errol: No. Blue things.

Speaker 21: Okay. But a contrasting color like a yellow or a green, it can really make the blues pop.

Errol: Like this?

Speaker 21: That's a smarty and it's-

Errol: Blue things.

Speaker 21: Blue smarty. Yeah. Have you got anything here that isn't blue?

Errol: Like this?

Speaker 21: Okay. That's a smurf.

Errol: Blue thing.

Speaker 21: Okay.

Errol: This?

Speaker 21: I'm not sure you're getting this.

Errol: Blue thing.

Speaker 21: That's a Blue Heeler. Okay what's that?

Errol: Blue thing.

Speaker 21: Okay. Blue cheese.

Errol: This?

Speaker 21: All right. That's-

Errol: Blue thing.

Speaker 21: A blue whale, Errol. It's never the fit.

Errol: Blue thing.

Speaker 21: Ahhhh!

Errol: Blue thing.

Speaker 21: Errol, it's too big.

Errol: Mumbles

Speaker 4: Well, coming up next is everyone's favorite bird of pray singing show, Australia's Got Talons.

Seven seasons in a day

Matt: It's getting a bit chilly out here in the Forest Gallery, Rich.

Rich: Well, it is autumn.

Matt: No. It's eel season.

Rich: Eel season? What are you talking about?

Matt: Well, it says here that the traditional owners of Melbourne recognised seven seasons. And the one that we're in now is eel season and it's called that because the eels are plump and ready to eat.

Rich: I see.

Matt: Shall we have eel for lunch?

Rich: I don't think we're supposed to eat these eels.

Matt: Okay. After that is wombat season when it starts to get cold and the mornings are foggy.

Rich: God, where did you go? I can't see you in all this fog.

Matt: I'm over here, Rich. Next up the cold weather ends and then we have orchid season. Flowers in bloom.

Rich: Beautiful.

Matt: [inaudible 00:27:13] wattling. Isn't it wonderful?

Rich: Achoo! Yes. It's very nice.

Matt: After that is tadpole season where it's hot.

Rich: That's better.

Matt: And it starts to rain.

Rich: Classic Melbourne.

Matt: Umbrella engaged.

Rich: Matt, that is my umbrella. Wait, what's that noise?

Matt: It must be a bat because now it's grass flowering season and that's when the bats come out. Rich, you better watch out that bat doesn't ...

Rich: Right in my hair! Give me my umbrella back!

Matt: No, you've got to stay in the rain for a bit and wash the bat poo off. You're in kangaroo apple season. The weather's changeable and very thundery.

Rich: Okay. Now, I'm soaking wet but the bat poo is gone. Give me the umbrella.

Matt: You can have it back in one second because it's about to be the dry season. There you go.

Rich: Well, I don't need the umbrella now. Look butterflies.

Matt: Did you know that I can't say butterflies?

Rich: What?

Matt: I have to say flutterbies.

Rich: Matt, you just said butterflies.

Matt: I didn't. I said flutterbies. I can't say butterfly.

Rich: Okay. Let's go inside. You can carry the umbrella. Wait, hang on a second. I just realized. You just taught me something.

Matt: I did?

Rich: Yes.

Matt: Brain high five.

Rich: Ow!

Matt: Ow! My brain.

Rich: You've got to stop doing that. Brain high fives are not a thing.

Matt: Rich, I might have lost my precious knowledge.

Rich: Really?

Matt: Test me.

Rich: Okay. I'll do an easy one. How many seasons does Melbourne have?

Matt: 17.

Rich: No.

Matt: Nine.

Rich: We just did it.

Matt: 6.2.

Rich: You've just told me.

Matt: A turkey.

Rich: Come on, mate. You can do it. How many seasons-

Matt: Um…

Rich: No. A number. How many seasons does Melbourne have?

Matt: A duck with monkey.

Rich: Okay.

Matt: The upside down poop emoji. A unicorn that wears a hat.

Rich: Just say a number.

Matt: A number.

Rich: No.

Matt: No.

Rich: How many seasons does Mel-

Matt: How many seasons does Melbourne have?

Rich: Matt, think. You just told me.

Matt: Seven-

Rich: It's a miracle.

Matt: ... teen.

Rich: Let's just go inside.

The Melbourne Gallery

Rich: Well, here we are Matt, The Melbourne Gallery, the history of the city. It's all in here.

Matt: Wow.

Rich: Wow is right my friend. Look here's the famous race horse Phar Lap. And look, there's some paintings of Phar Lap. And that's a statue of Phar Lap. Oh, a cake tin with Phar Lap on it. Oh, look there's a spoon with Phar Lap on it as well.

Matt: Well, that's the history of Melbourne covered. Thanks Learnadome.

Rich: Well, hang on. Hang on. There's heaps more in here. Look there's the Luna Park Big Dipper. And there's a stagecoach, which first carried the mail. The history of colonial Melbourne laid out for all to see. What do you want to look at first?

Matt: First up, I want to go to the loo.

Rich: Well, go to the loo. You're in luck. See what I did there?

Matt: Good one, Rich.

Rich: That's [inaudible 00:29:55]. Sounds like ...

Matt: Yeah. I get it.

Rich: Yeah. I have my moments. Anyway, follow me to the toilet.

Rich: Well, here we are Matt. At the toilet.

Matt: Where?

Rich: Behind the glass. Look sanitary pan circa 1890.

Matt: What is this?

Rich: Well, this is a toilet apparently.

Matt: Well, why is it behind the glass?

Rich: Because it's a display item. This is very interesting. It says here when Europeans settled here in the 1890's they used to go in these.

Matt: What ones and twos?

Rich: Yes. And then a night soil man collected it and sometimes threw it onto the street.

Matt: Onto the street?

Rich: Yes.

Matt: Gross/cool.

Rich: Ewww.

Matt: Hang on. Why didn't anyone call the cops?

Rich: Well, that's what everyone did.

Matt: Even the cops?

Rich: Probably.

Matt: And the teachers? Were they happy with this?

Rich: Well, I suppose yes.

Matt: Well, what about the parents?

Rich: Everyone was in on it.

Matt: They all just pooped in that and then chucked it onto the street?

Rich: Yes. Apparently. And it says here in the 1890s Melbourne was given a nickname about the smell. Melbourne's smell. Can you guess what it was?

Matt: Poo Town.

Rich: No, not ...

Matt: Wait. No Brownville.

Rich: No.

Matt: Loo York.

Rich: No, no.

Matt: Toilet Area.

Rich: Toilet Area?

Matt: Dummyville.

Rich: No, no, Matt. It was called Smellbourne because of the smell in Melbourne. True story.

Matt: That's good. Rich, you know when I said I need to go to the loo. What I meant was ...

Rich: Here's the display I wanted to visit.

Matt: No. Rich ...

Rich: Matt, I've been wanting to see this all day.

Matt: But ...

Rich: The history of bricks.

Matt: Rich, if we don't find a real toilet soon then I'm going to revive an age old tradition right here in that pot circa 1890 or whatever.

Rich: No. Don't. Don't do that.

Matt: And that it'll be the Smellbourne Museum.

Rich: Okay. I guess we'll get back to the history of bricks later.

Matt: Yeah. Well, I'm about to see a brick real soon if you know what I'm saying.

Rich: Come on.

Thank you for listening

Rich: So Matt, that was the Learnadome.

Matt: Wow. I can't believe we saw every item in the museum.

Rich: Well, no, there's quite a few items we didn't see.

Matt: Cool. Does that mean we can come back again?

Rich: Yes. It sure does. Now, have you got the keys. I'll unlock the bikes.

Matt: Rich, I don't have the keys. You've got the keys.

Rich: No. You've got the keys.

Matt: No, I don't have them.

Rich: Well, where are they?

Speaker 4: Meanwhile in the eel pond ...

eel: What are they, Silvia?

Silvia eel: I know not what they are.

eel: They are so silvery.

Silvia eel: Shall I shake them?

eel: Yes. Shake them and we shall listen to the noise with our eely ears. Oh ... Jingle them again Silvia. Ah, fascinating.

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